Sad Weekend

A week or so ago, I hinted to a secret I had...

I was very excited about it...

I'm now heartbroken.

We were pregnant. Now we are not.

We knew going into this fertility cycle, that the next miscarriage (our fifth) would be the last, if it happened this month, or if we didn't get pregnant for several more cycles... we were only going to have one more. When it happened, we were done. I should have known better- my husband is a stud. He has knocked me up 3 of our last four cycles.... why I thought that this wouldn't happen sooner rather then later was dumb on my part.

We got pregnant. And it happened. We're done.

Moving on to adoption...

2ww

For those of you who are trying to conceive, or have ever dealt with infertility issues, you know exactly what this title is.... for those of you that don't, its short for the two week wait. The two weeks that are nerve racking, symptom checking, questioning, and full of hoping between the time that you ovulated (either naturally or with drugs (mine was with drugs...)) until you can take a pregnancy test to see if it 'worked'... unfortunately two of my last three cycles have had a great end to the two week wait... positives both in September and November... only to end in my fifth and sixth miscarriages.

So, I guess I have officially entered my two week wait of our last cycle. Maybe just until he comes back from SNCO Academy (April), or maybe forever, depending on how he feels.



Joy.



I think that I have already mentally checked out of this cycle.



Period.



I also have had a rough couple of nights, the anxiety is coming back. In two weeks, if I don't see two lines, I think I'll go to my doctor about getting on some sort of anxiety medicine.

The stress of my husbands job, combined with the stress of now living in the same town as my step-daughter and her mother, and having to deal with her behavior issues (yea for having to go to 'family counseling' all five of us.... shes fine at my house, just because she is a terror at her moms... how is that MY problem.) and academic issues (which I now tutor her two nights a week, which is fine, I actually enjoy that, but point blank, its one more thing that I have to prepare for every week).

My classes have also started so that I can transfer my teaching licence. Ugh. I found out yesterday that I HAVE to take a class, that I have ALREADY taken, and actually my requirements were well above the requirements this college has. The head of the Education department happens to teach two of my classes, so he is in my corner, but still.... to have to re-do all the stuff I've done is AWESOME!

As you can tell from this post, and the fact that it is dripping with sarcasm, that is the status of my life, so for this two week wait, I will be minus the blog... next time you hear from me you'll know if this cycle worked or not!

I'll probably not even log in to read your blogs, but will dedicate a whole day to catching up when I'm 'back'. Unfortunately, I'm taking an online course, and the other ones use 'BlackBoard' to submit assignments and such, so I'll still be near e-mail, so drop me a line! :) (actually, I think right now I would enjoy detoxing from ALL types of technology... just don't see it happening).

See you on the flip side of this 2ww!

Merry Christmas

Wow, it's been a week since I've posted. Lots has happened, some good, some bad (a 6th miscarriage, which is why I've been noticeably absent from this blog).

My anniversary was wonderful. Pave surprised me with a beautiful diamond tennis bracelet, tickets to the Nutcracker (one of my favorite holiday things to do... that I haven't done ONCE since we got married...), and dinner at a REALLY fancy restaurant (so not like us, but man I could get used to it!!!)

I hope that you and your families are filled with love this Christmas season, weather you are together or apart, Merry Christmas friends!

Drug Free is the way to be!

There is no better way to start off this post then with this wicked cool award I got from Ashley at Dog Tags and Pearls. She has been an amazing friend, and it's nice because she knows about the 'fun' that being a recruiters wife is, as well as adding fertility drugs to the whole 'fun' mix!

To accept the award, all I have to do is tell all my bloggy-land friends why I'm a rockstar... but that's kinda funny, because I was Pave's cheerleader during recruiting school, and always called him my "rockstar". So I guess I'm just happy enough being a rockstar's wife! Ok, in all seriousness, I will do almost anything, but those around me will ALWAYS know how I feel about it.... good or bad! I just asked Pave if he thinks I'm a rockstar, and he said "Yes, because you did my boards" (talking about the 4 hours and 1 bottle of nail polish remover I used tonight to clean the lines off the boards listing all the people that have joined and are just waiting for jobs... he needed the squares to be smaller, because he had to many people to fit on them.... once again, proof that he's the real Rockstar in this relationship... I just do the grunt, black finger's, hand's smelling like nail polish remover, broke a nail, work).

I nominate my friend Jen at Trying to Get Knocked Up By Another Man who has been an amazing support to me while going through the whole Military Wife, military training, infertility bull shit!

I also nominate The Mrs. at Trying Our Best, because in the last few days, I have gotten many a laugh out of her. As a side note, she is looking for a hamster for her son, see, he has show and tell, and has a hamster ball, but no hamster, anyone who has an extra hamster, send it on over... double score if said hamster is pregnant! :) (go read the back story.... )

I honestly don't know if I could have made it through today with the full on fertility drug affects. Sunday was my last FSH injection, I triggered on Monday, and this morning (early- ugh!) we had our 'date', so I'm officially in my two week wait! Tomorrow I start with the Lovonox injections, which I hear bruise really bad... we shall see!





Can I once again just say, I'm sick of making dinner for 8:30pm because Pave is working late cleaning up someone else's messes.... and yes, you'll probably continue to hear me bitch about it until a)they all get resolved, b) they call someone back off of terminal leave, slap his ass with an article 15, and make him clean up the shit.... ugh!





Now that I got that off my chest, I MUST tell you about my day. I'm a substitute teacher, and I've been in this same 4th grade classroom at LEAST 4 times before this year. I have never had problems with discipline in this class (or really any other one), that's one of my 'strong suits', classroom management, which is why subbing is fun for me (I guess). Also, let me preface 'the list' by saying except for the one time that two 8th grade boys came to blows outside my classroom (I was a 'real' teacher, science, New Mexico, and one of the boy's was my little brother), I have never, NEVER, sent anyone to the principals office.... that said....


In no particular order,





*Had 3 students cry (2 boys (!), and a girl)


*Had 2 students cry twice (1 boy and the girl)


*Had a student crawl under a table and not come out because his table was being mean to him.


*Had 2 students from the 2nd grade class across the hall (who I also have subbed for several times this year) spend the better half of the afternoon with me.


*Indoor recess. Twice.


*Trying to get their attention during recess, not successful, to the point I blew my whistle.


*Knowing by noon that the only thing getting me through was the shake I was going to get on the way home.


*Looking out the window and seeing snow.... can you order a shake when it's snowing?


*1 student that I wanted to staple his pockets to the chair.


*Another student who was picked on all morning (no matter what I did) so he ate lunch with me


*Lack of a 'student free' lunch probably didn't help


*Totally spacing an assignment (again, a first for me) by setting it to the side, and forgetting about it....


* And the shining glory of today.... 2 boys SHOOTING RUBBER BANDS AT EACHOTHER.





It was at that point that I yelled (and I'm not really a yeller, but today, that all changed) to "GET OUT". I turned around, counted to ten, and started the math lesson.





All I can say is really?!? There were 6 subs in the building, and everyone I talked to had been to the class they were teaching before, and EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. said this had been the day from hell!





Maybe it was leftover's of the 5 day holiday, or the mind numbing Christmas break that is 'almost' here, or the fact its so stinking cold they haven't had outdoor recess all week, whatever it is, I've decided I'm not going to risk it tomorrow....





I'm going dress shopping!

So over this

What am I over you may ask???

Well, I'll tell you bloggin' friends, since I can't really tell anyone I know!

*Fertility Treatments- Should I be happy that I at least know I can get pregnant, or perhaps grateful, because friends of mine have never seen those two pink lines. Ever. As for me, I've seen them 5 times, but the harsh truth I've learned is that not every set of pink lines results in a baby.

*Fertility Drugs- Can your body build up a tolerance to fertility drugs... after one cycle?!? First time, all it took was Clomid, second time 2 rounds of Clomid, another drug, and then finlly 8 injections, this cycle, 13 days of injections, and this morning I was pushing the envelope of them canceling the cycle because of to many that sprung up 'all the sudden'. What happens next, you can't get stronger then injectables!

*Psycho ex girlfriend that happen to be the mother of his child.... enough said!

* Recruiting duty. I want my husband back, but between the new guy coming (which will eventually help, but not for a while), the other one leaving a shit storm, and a couple surgeries taking out the other recruiter and flight chief. I'm over it!

Ok, I've vented... I think I should feel better, but I really don't, perhaps its the MASSIVE FREAKING AMMOUNT OF DRUGS SURGING THROUGH MY SYSTEM!?!? hmmm, perhaps?

Oh well, I can just look forward to my Mom coming out to visit in a few weeks. Now that I think about it, I guess this means that I get to test after my two week wait the day my mom leaves...

Bittersweet Joy

I'm not quite sure how tomorrow will go... so I don't know if I'll be around.

A year ago, I became an Aunt for the first time.
A year ago, my husband became an Uncle.
A year ago, my in law's became grandparents for a second time.
A year ago, a beautiful baby was born.

But-

A year ago, was one of the worst day's of my life.
A year ago, Dr. V took my baby.
A year ago, even though I know he was gone before, he was really gone.
A year ago, I cried on the way to the hospital for my D and C as my husband got a text message that his sister had just given birth.
A year ago, I didn't give a damn that she had a baby, I actually told my mother in law to stop sending me updates, because I really didn't care.
A year ago, I was really heartless to the nurses who tried to be so kind to me.
A year ago, I was hopeless, and angry, and sad.
A year ago, my husband wrote me a letter while I was in surgery, and it still makes me cry to this day.
He was the only one in the waiting room, I remember walking back to the pre-op area where they could get me ready. I looked back right before the door closed, and he looked so defeated.
A year ago, we lost our little Sea Monkey.

This is the last picture I have of him, his heart was beating strong... I still have it on my Blackberry.

Funky funk funk

That has been the last few days. This weekend, I came to the realization that it is quite possible the reason we keep having miscarriages is because of me. Like the very root of me. My genetic material.

As I realized this, I began sobbing (I don't even have Clomid in my system to blame it on). All I could say was "It could be MY fault." Once again, Pave was there to wipe away my tears, and reassure me that he didn't marry me for my ovaries, uterus (and the most recent addition), or genetic material. (Now that I think about it, he probably would have picked someone taller if it was all about the genes!).

We will know for sure later this week (hopefully) or early next week, when the blood results come back. They are doing more advanced testing for clotting disorders.

Oh how I wish that something comes back. This is what infertility has done to me. It makes me WISH and HOPE that I have a FREEKING clotting disorder. WHY? Because that would be the reason I have lost 5 children. Not because my genes are messed up. That is something I can't fix. I can take drugs for the clotting disorder, and 'fix it' enough for me to be able to carry a child.

If only we had know that along with the 'for better for worse, richer for poorer, in sickness and in health' we should add:

* The heartache of loosing children

* The many injections in hopes of getting pregnant again

* The emotional rollercoster that comes with those injections

* The crappy extra hours he spends at the office because so he can be at every appointment with me

* The many tears that will be wiped

* The constant reassurance that "We" are a family. Just the two of us.

* The 'being happy' on the outside as we find out friend after friend is expecting, and just smiling when asked, "When are you going to have some kids of your own?"

She's going to be fun when she's 21!!

Yesterday my stepdaughter had her adenoids taken out. It was a short surgery, that went perfectly, but she was a bit nervous about it, and the IV. They gave her some 'goofey' medicine, and let me tell you it worked! She was cracking us up! I kinda felt bad because we were laughing at her, but it was so funny. She was seeing double, then started reaching up to 'touch the wall, because it's moving'. We had to get her to lay back down, and then she started moving her head from one side to the other (think 'tick tock'). We asked her why, and her matter of fact response was 'the wall is moving, and I can't make it stop, so I'm moving my head with the wall'. Poor girl, but don't feel so bad for her, she is living it up eating nothing but ice cream, popsicles, and pudding!

She was trying to play a game on my Black.Berry, and was having issues... poor thing!

I had to leave before she was released, to go to my own doctor's appointment. I have had this cough that will not. go. away. I'm so sick of it, so I went back in to get my THIRD round of antibiotics. He had one of his nurses give me a shot in my hip that had steroids, vitamins, and something else.... I didn't think they still did that!?!

The second doctors appointment was this morning. On this last round of fertility treatments, we were successful... we got pregnant, again, but only for a few days. When they went to check my beta again, it was back to normal. So here we go, miscarriage number five... We met with my RE, to figure out what happens next. He's doing one last panel of blood tests, and we will meet with him when the results get in.

To Tell or Not To Tell

That is the question that has been floating around our house.

Now that we are officially on the two weeks wait (2ww), we are dealing with the possibility that next Saturday (ok, who am I kidding, I'll test before then!) we could be pregnant. Could be. By God's grace alone.

So what do we do? Do we tell just our parents/siblings? Do we tell all the siblings, my brother is 19, so he's a 'big boy', and Pave has an older sister, but when his parents got married to their current spouses, they each had more children, so there is a 16, 11, and 9 year old in the mix. Every time I see the younger two, one of them always asks, "are you Pregnant yet?" They were there when we told his Dad and Step-Mom. We had gotten them a bib that said something about Grandparents. At this time, his older sister was pregnant too, and due in just a few months. His younger sister (who is 11) thought that it was for her baby. It took her a while for her to get that we were having a baby too.

Do we make them go through the possible heartbreak again? Do we tell Pave's daughter? She was 9 when we lost our last baby, and we told her about it after the fact. It had been easy to 'shield' her from it, since she lived a few hours away. However, now we are in the same town, she knows that "Daddy give me shots" to help us have a baby since my body isn't working right... but is never really around to see them happen.

When we lost our little Sea Monkey, we sat in the parking lot of the hospital where my doctors appointment was and called our parents. That was honestly one of the hardest calls I ever had to make. I never want to have to make it again, but the fact of the matter is, it's always possible. We also called a few friends of ours, a couple we had gotten close with (they were actually the first ones to know we were pregnant, we told them in the Dairy Queen parking lot, before the official blood work had come back), and Pave's best friend, who is doing recruiting duty on the East coast. Honestly, after that, we were exhausted and only wanted to grieve. Pave called his supervisor at base, and she told him to stay home with me for the rest of the week. I will forever be grateful for that.

As crappy as it sounds, we couldn't say the words "we lost our baby" out loud anymore, so everyone else got an e-mail.

Its because of this, that Pave had been adamant that we wait at least until the 2nd trimester to start telling people if we were ever able to get pregnant again. I disagreed, but kept it to myself, figuring I would cross that bridge when I come to it... we'll we're here, sort of.

What do you think? How long did you wait until you started telling people? Because right now, I'm pregnant until proven otherwise!

He's good to me... part 2

So when Pave came home tonight... what did he have in his hands? Beautiful flowers. This picture doesn't do justice to how pretty they are... and they smell DELISH!

Now he normally isn't the overly-romantic guy, in our 5 years of marriage... I think I've gotten random flowers brought home, maybe 2 other times.

I told him he was an amazing husband, and he responded that I was an amazing wife. Maybe it's just the stress off of me now that I have a dominate follie, it seems all encompassing! For the last 5 weeks, it's been all about what drug, what day, doctors appointment.... ugh!

Now that stress is off for a bit... at least for two weeks! :)

However, tonight I have ONE MORE SHOT!!! (but actually, it didn't hurt) My trigger shot! Then I'm done with shots in my tummy for a while!

He's to good to me

I guess my whole 'beating myself up because I can't have a baby' started the day we found out we lost our Sea Monkey (baby #4). We had grown quite attached to him, and were truly over the moon. Our world shattered when the ultra sound tech put her hand on my arm, and said, "I'm sorry honey, this isn't going to be a good visit." She was amazing, and just let us grieve. Granted my grief was "You've got to be F-ing kidding me" and between tears "Four... really, Four?" referencing the four miscarriages I've had.... At one point in there, I told Pave that if I were him I would trade me in for a newer, younger, model... (referencing the fact that he had 7 vehicles his first 6 years in the Air Force). He responded "Lucky for you, I don't think like you!".

This morning he couldn't make the appointment, because he was giving the ASVAB test at one of his high schools.

He left before I woke up, and this is what I woke up to on my Blackberry...

From: Pave (work email)

Subject: i love you

Hi honey, I'm sorry I couldn't make it to this appointment today. But, just know that no matter what, I love you, for you and not for the size of your follicles. Hopefully that made you smile. Text me when the doc tells you what the plan is. And I know I haven't said it in a while, but your BEAUTIFUL!

Well, even though he loves me no matter what my size my follicles are... I had good news to report!!! After 8, (EIGHT!) FSH shots, my ovaries got their act together and produced a beauty. I am happy to report that I have a 22mm follie, and after the blood work comes back, will be triggering sometime today.

You know what that means... 36 hours later (not more then 15 min on either side...) Baby Making Sex!!! Pave's response to that text- "Fun Times" Heck ya- I might even shave my legs for that.... or not

Shooting up in the Walgreens Parking Lot

We had my step daughters Open House the other night. Her mom was working, and God forbid her step-dad take her, so I picked her up after school, spent the afternoon with her, and then we went and met Pave at his office so we could all go. It was POURING rain, so we were going to get their just as it started (which to me, is late). Of course, there were a ton of cars in the parking lot, so we parked right across the street at Walgreens. I hadn't gotten my shot yet that evening from Pave, so I brought everything along so he could give it to me, staying close to the same time as always. I drew it up as I was sitting in the drivers seat, and handed the 'loaded' syringe to Pave. I leaned back my seat, so that he would have good access. He started to laugh, and say "I wonder what would happen if a cop drove by right now". I couldn't help but laugh too. At least we were in a Walgreens parking lot, so they could check the prescription!



Oh well. Tonight was the last one. I go tomorrow morning to see if it worked. I'll update when I get back.

Wedding Ring

As a couple, Pave and I refrence our wedding rings quite often, as in "I still got my ring on" (which roughly translates to "ya, I guess I still love you right now") or a more recent one from him, "I didn't put a ring on your overies". This came after I was complaining that they just can't get thier act together and make some dominate follicals for me! It made me laugh, because at the time I had felt like I was failing him, and our plans for our family. Though Pave my not right me mushy love letters, he warms my heart through his unconventionally ways of telling me that he loves me, no matter what, and no matter if I am able to bear him his children.

I've been reading some blogs of other couples that struggle with infertility, and on one of them, their marriage has crumbled under the stress of everything.


I decided right then and there, I will forever be happy if it's just Pave and I, and no children, if it means that the path to having children will tear us apart.


Lets just hope it won't get to that.




On another note... Apparently wedding bands are only made to last five years! Isn't that awesome news! UGH! I have a beautiful solitaire engagement ring, and my wedding band has princess cut diamonds, that are in a channel. Within the last 2 months, two, TWO of these diamonds have fallen out. One I was able to find, and they replaced it, but on Friday I noticed that I was missing one from the other side. Granted we have the lifetime warranty, so we don't have to pay for the missing diamond, or the work to put it back in, but still... my parents have been married for 43 years, and she still has the EXACT same ring. Nothing has changed!

They have to ship it to the nearest corporate store, so I'll get my ring back next Tuesday. I hate not having my ring on. I feel naked.

I'm going out with my boots on!

***NOTE: The pictures are messing up the formating, sorry, I can't get it to look right!***

It's amazing we can be happily married, because Pave is SOOO not a country fan. Like- AT ALL! And has never been to involved with anything 'country-ish', like the State Fairs, Rodeos, boots, etc. Well, the Air Force changed all that for him! Apparently the Air Force is a huge sponsor of the PBR, and that means that the in whatever town the PBR tour goes to, the recruiters have to go set up there... and they get a bunch of tickets.... and VIP passes.... I was in heaven!

It was kinda sucky for the guys, because they had to be there all day (literally set up at 8:30am and the event was over about 10:30pm). My stepdaughter had never been to a rodeo, so her and I went about noon. We were able to get some autographs of some of the bull riders. They also had some Special Forces guys come in (they were supposed to repel into the stadium, didn't happen for some reason), and they did some demonstrations of their mad medical skills. The commander was there as well.

The DEPPERS, (guys, and gals, in the delayed entry program) actually were sworn in at the beginning of the ceremony. It was really neat, and the whole crowd cheered. They then had 4 airmen that were veterans of OIF veterans. One of they was the special force guy that we were hanging out with. There was a bunch of smoke, pyrotechnics, and music as they introduced the cowboys. Each cowboy came out and shook the hands of the four Airman. It was really quite cool.

It

truly was a blast, and even Pave said that he thought it was cool. Since he worked all yesterday, he doesn't have to work the event today. I'm so excited to go back for the finals!

Since the Special Forces guy was there at the table, Pave said that maybe he should be the one to give me my shot... since he has all the 'training'. He did it a little different, instead of a 90* angle, a 45* one, and then moved the needle out as he was injecting the fluid so it spread it out over a bigger area. I don't know if it really helped, it still hurt like hell.

Overall, we all had fun. Which truly surprised me!

How 'bout you pull your weight?

Are you listening overies? Becaues I'm done messing around, I'm done getting shots in my stomach, I'm done waiting for you to get your act togehter. We're bringing out the big guns, and so you better behave! Now, becuase you're sitting on your ass, I get to have a shot every day this weekend. I'm telling you.... you better start pulling your weight! Tomorrow we will find out if you did what you are supposed to have done... and I sure hope to heck you have!

This is what $1000.00 looks like!

So, since the Clomid didn't work at 100mg, or 150mg, Dr. S moved me to Femera, and FSH injections. When I went for my last ultrasound, Dave, the U/S tech asked me what day I was on.... 19. He made me smile when he said "why am I still seeing you?". I was afraid that this cycle was shot, and so I asked what the plan is for next cycle... he responded with golden words, "Why, are you wanting to take the rest of this cycle off? There is no need for you to have a period right now, you haven't ovulated... all that is is a crappy reminder that you're not pregnant yet." At that moment, I fell in love with that man. I even considered naming our first born after him. Though I'm not sure how Pave feels on the subject...

He said even though we weren't going to start my cycle over, we needed to start counting over, because otherwise 'Dave will go crazy". So now we are officially day 6. I was supposed to start my FSH shots on Monday, and then do another one today. Dr. S told me that I needed to get the two shots from his nurse, and I could just pay on my way out.... My only question was "ummm- can you write me a prescription?" He had this quizzical look, but once I explained that TriCare will pay for them, as long as we aren't doing IUI, or IVF, he understood. He wasn't sure if my co-pay would apply to each vial, or the single prescription of 20 vials, but worse case, $9.00 each is better $50.00 to get them from him! He wasn't even offended that I didn't want my drugs from him! :)

It was kinda a cluster to get everything approved, ExpressScripts had to talk with my doctor to confirm that we aren't doing IUI, but after that it went smooth... until wonderful Walgreen's didn't get the prescription in on time (after I spent 45 min there on Friday, as they called the warehouse to check and make sure they had it in stock, who knows what happened). So they overnighted it to me, and I got them Tuesday. I don't know what I was expecting when I opened the box, but it wasn't whatever I saw!

Holy crap- What is all this stuff!?! Luckily, one of the few friends that I have here is a nurse, she also has gone through the whole fertility thing (double yea!). She came over and did explained everything for me, which was good. I wasn't sure if I could give myself a shot, and maybe if push came to shove, I could, but since she lives a street away, why not! Plus we get to hang out for a bit, which is always good.

I sent my Mom a picture, and just titled the e-mail, "A Thousand Dollars"

Her response was simply "WOW! But perhaps well spent?!? I love you, hope the shots don't continue to hurt, Love, Mom"

It made me smile. Oh, and even now that I know what to expect, still don't love them! But I'm not bruised, so that is good, for now.

Sea Monkey

My Mom

My Mom is a survivor, or so I've heard it said.

But I here her crying at night when all others are in bed.

I watch her lay awake at night, and go to hold her hand.

She doesn't know I'm with her to help her understand.

But like the sands on the beach that never wash away...

I watch over my amazing mom, who thinks of me each day.

She wears a smile for others... a smile of disguise.

But through Heaven's door I see tears flowing from her eyes.

My Mom tries to cope with death to keep my memory alive.

But anyone who knows her knows it is her way to survive.

As I watch over my surviving Mom... through Heaven's open door.

I try to tell her that angles protect me forever more.

But I know that doesn't help her or ease the burden she bears.

So if you get a chance, go visit her.... And show her that you care.

For no matter what she says -- No matter what she feels,

My amazing Mom has a broken heart that time won't ever heal.

~~ Author Unknown~~

I read this amazing poem on another blog, and instatnly began crying. I can just imigiane my little Sea Monkey, and the love we have for him. After we lost him, my Dad told Pave and I that our family is growing, maybe not here on Earth yet, but up in heaven we have four children waiting for us, so we can be together... someday.

What does the future hold?

So tonight we had yummy Chinese food tonight for dinner, and you can't eat Chinese food (even if it's homemade) without fortune cookies! I try to make sure that there are always some in the pantry. Well, as for the fortunes- Mine said :The current year will bring you much happiness. Pave's said: No need to worry! You will always have everything that you need. We both kinda looked at each other, and laughed, because today we went to the RE for our baseline scan to check and make sure we were ok for the next fertility cycle. I started Clomid today, 100mg again, since it worked well last month. I will go back next week to see if the 'miracle grow' worked. I had to refill all my prescriptions, and it wasn't as bad as I thought. Including my trigger shot, we are very lucky because the drugs come in at under $45.00 a month... this is the reason we are continuing with fertility treatments, when we have decided we are adopting. We will have to save money to adopt, and that should take about 2 years, but instead of just twiddling our thumbs for the next 24 months, I figured we might as well TRY! (Especially since TriCare makes it cheep!)

School started, and that impacts our life in two ways:

Pave now has school visits, which adds to his ever full calender. We live in a medium sized city, but his zone is huge. His furthers school is about 1 1/2 away, maybe a little further. It's also a priority 1 school, which means that he has to go there once a month.

Also, there is a new recruiter that is coming in within a few weeks... so they will have 3 in an area that needs 4... and then a few weeks after that, the recruiter that has been here the longest starts his terminal leave... leaving the area back to two recruiters.... with Pave being the 'most experienced'. Two words : HOLY. SHIT. That's scary! :) He is my rockstar, but being the new 'go-to guy'... we'll just see about that.

Second way life has changed, is that since school has started, I'm now substitute teaching. Having an actual teaching degree, I was told, would help me... I wasn't so sure. We were told not to expect any calls in the first few weeks. Ha! School started Tuesday, Wednesday morning I was called at 9am, and asked how quick I could show up. Tomorrow I sub for 1/2 day for an elementary music teacher. This should be interesting. Pave was thinking maybe I could play a recorder. We shall see!

Fertility Drugs= Husband of the year

So.... Poor Pave. Thank goodness he has the paitence of Job, because otherwise we would have a very tumultous household at certain parts of the month.

I won't get into to many details, but we found out last Friday that this round of fertility treatments didn't work, so we needed to 'hurry things along'. That means that I go for a ride on the emotional rollarcoster, full speed ahead! At least for the next few weeks. This drug starts my cycle, so that I know when to start taking the 'mirical grow' drug, and those two to three weeks are torture, in more ways then one!

As for how recruiting duty blends with fertility treatments... not so well. At least not for this wife, today. I had a rough day, dealt with teleconfrence calls for a good chunk of the day, had horrible cramps (threw myself a little pity party even), was hungry (for a good reason... post on this tomorrow), and just wanted him home. I called him at 6:10 pm, and told him about my day (literally on the verge of tears). He said that he could come home, he just had to make one phone call to the flight chief, and then he would be on his way. Silly me, I thought that it would be somewhat soon thereafter. Ha! Maybe in another life, but not in this recruiting life we are living. An hour later, I am in tears, trying to make pancakes, and they just aren't 'making'. He walks in at 7:34 pm to a shit storm. I'm crying because the pancakes aren't working (how do you mess it up, I mean really, its Bisquick, eggs and milk!), then I yell because who makes an hour and a half phone call, and then I cry because I have a bad day, and was mad at myself for getting mad at him.

Ya, so that is our life on fertility drugs, and after all of that, he just held me and let me cry. I truly married an amazing man. And we enjoyed our dinner out! :) Long John Silvers for me, Arbys for him, and McDonalds to get a Coke for me (can you believe that neither LJS or Arby's serve Coke!?!).

Side note- is anyone else having horrible issues with the season premier of the Rachel Zoe Project, I think it's the Bravo feed, because the other stations are fine, but the blue screen is KILLING ME!

Army Wives vs. Reality

Yes, yes, I am one of those military spouses who watches "Army Wives" on Lifetime. I actually enjoyed the first season, because I felt like I lived it. Needless to say, I was part of a spouses club, and we used to call the Wing Commanders wife "Lenore". Enough said...

Well, I never get to watch it on Sunday nights, I try to enjoy my time with Pave, and Pave + Army Wives= not happening! So we watch other stuff that's on (like last night's Shark Tank- we loved it!) and soon it will be football, and I'm ok with that. I use my Mondays to catch up on Army Wives and In Plain Sight (on USA network).

So, for those of you that watch, I think it's interesting that they are bringing in a recruiting aspect through Sgt. LaBlanc. I thought 'what an understatement', when he told Roxie that it was going to take a lot of time... ya, he might not deploy for 3 years... but he's also not going to help take the boys and such to doctor appointments. Well, maybe if you can schedule it a month in advance, which is passable for 'check up's' and shots, but what about that ear ache that pops up over the weekend... YA RIGHT!

Can you tell I've got a little 'passion' behind this one? (My birth mom told me to once call my 'anger', passion... then I don't seem so mean!) Pave has been absent from many of my fertility appointments, I guess not that there is much to see that is exciting, but it still sucks. I'm doing it by my self, or at least the doctors and the drugs... I know he would come if he could... but my ovaries kinda set the schedule, so it doesn't work out often.

So ya, Army Wives... are you going to really show the 'true' stress of recruiting duty? Only time will tell.... at least I only have to wait a week to find out!