Monday, October 26, 2009
Funky funk funk
That has been the last few days. This weekend, I came to the realization that it is quite possible the reason we keep having miscarriages is because of me. Like the very root of me. My genetic material.
As I realized this, I began sobbing (I don't even have Clomid in my system to blame it on). All I could say was "It could be MY fault." Once again, Pave was there to wipe away my tears, and reassure me that he didn't marry me for my ovaries, uterus (and the most recent addition), or genetic material. (Now that I think about it, he probably would have picked someone taller if it was all about the genes!).
We will know for sure later this week (hopefully) or early next week, when the blood results come back. They are doing more advanced testing for clotting disorders.
Oh how I wish that something comes back. This is what infertility has done to me. It makes me WISH and HOPE that I have a FREEKING clotting disorder. WHY? Because that would be the reason I have lost 5 children. Not because my genes are messed up. That is something I can't fix. I can take drugs for the clotting disorder, and 'fix it' enough for me to be able to carry a child.
If only we had know that along with the 'for better for worse, richer for poorer, in sickness and in health' we should add:
* The heartache of loosing children
* The many injections in hopes of getting pregnant again
* The emotional rollercoster that comes with those injections
* The crappy extra hours he spends at the office because so he can be at every appointment with me
* The many tears that will be wiped
* The constant reassurance that "We" are a family. Just the two of us.
* The 'being happy' on the outside as we find out friend after friend is expecting, and just smiling when asked, "When are you going to have some kids of your own?"