Monday, October 26, 2009

Funky funk funk

That has been the last few days. This weekend, I came to the realization that it is quite possible the reason we keep having miscarriages is because of me. Like the very root of me. My genetic material.

As I realized this, I began sobbing (I don't even have Clomid in my system to blame it on). All I could say was "It could be MY fault." Once again, Pave was there to wipe away my tears, and reassure me that he didn't marry me for my ovaries, uterus (and the most recent addition), or genetic material. (Now that I think about it, he probably would have picked someone taller if it was all about the genes!).

We will know for sure later this week (hopefully) or early next week, when the blood results come back. They are doing more advanced testing for clotting disorders.

Oh how I wish that something comes back. This is what infertility has done to me. It makes me WISH and HOPE that I have a FREEKING clotting disorder. WHY? Because that would be the reason I have lost 5 children. Not because my genes are messed up. That is something I can't fix. I can take drugs for the clotting disorder, and 'fix it' enough for me to be able to carry a child.

If only we had know that along with the 'for better for worse, richer for poorer, in sickness and in health' we should add:

* The heartache of loosing children

* The many injections in hopes of getting pregnant again

* The emotional rollercoster that comes with those injections

* The crappy extra hours he spends at the office because so he can be at every appointment with me

* The many tears that will be wiped

* The constant reassurance that "We" are a family. Just the two of us.

* The 'being happy' on the outside as we find out friend after friend is expecting, and just smiling when asked, "When are you going to have some kids of your own?"


  1. I wish I could do something more for you. In the little time we got to know each other I could tell you and Pave are genuine people. I pray for the best and hope one day you will get the miracle you two have been waiting for. Shoot me an email or give me a call if you ever want to vent and need someone to talk to. God Bless and lots of prayers!! ******Me :)

  2. I am sorry. Sorry for your loss, for the heartbreak, for the dreams that haven't come true yet.

    May your future be bright...


  3. I remember my "Its all my fault" moment. I had been doing research (after research after research) about my PCOS, and I came across something that made me stop and cry. I don't remember the exact wording, but all I could think was that for all the years that I starved myself and became anorexic to be thin and beautiful, I was now costing myself a baby. It was the most heart breaking moment of my entire life.
    But YOU cant blame yourself. YOU cant control your genes. YOU didn't do this to yourself. YOU cant control the fact that this keeps happening to you. Please don't blame yourself.
    I don't want to come off like rude or whatever, but have you changed your eating habits while on the meds? When I was on mine, I was on a strict low-carb (whole grains ONLY) and no caffiene "diet". I really think that (coupled with no alcohol) is finally what gave my meds the extra umph. Obviously, if you do have a clotting disorder than this wont matter, but if not, give it a try. Google "PCOS diet".
    I hope and pray they get you some answers soon. My heart breaks for you.